No. 1 · "Brrrrrrr" EditionPrice: One (1) Tooth

The Rotterdam Herald

★ Cyprus' Most Trusted Source For One Man's Bad Decisions ★
TwitchCon WeekendWeather: Dark, 4 A.M.Helmets Worn: 0
⚠ BREAKING · WORLD EXCLUSIVE

MAN vs HOLE:
TWO RIDERS, ONE BIKE,
ZERO HELMETS

Local League streamer pilots a single rental Lime bike. carrying two (2) fully grown men. directly into what authorities call "roadworks" and the victim calls a "car hole trap." Miraculously survives. Immediately takes a selfie.

RE-ENACTMENT · 25 KM/H
CAR HOLE TRAP (they work btw)🚧🚧
Kesha
Edward
POW!
2
Men Per Bike
0
Helmets Worn
1
Teeth Lost
100%
Survival Rate
★ The Full Account ★

"It Was Probably All My Fault"

It began, as all great tragedies do, with generational pisses. Our hero and associates Alawais and RacerLord attended TwitchCon weekend in Rotterdam, drank a heroic volume, and were promptly refused entry to a casino on the grounds that they were, quote, "TOO DRUNK."

By 3 A.M. every League streamer in the city (Buffy, Dumps, RacerLord, all of them) had abandoned the subject and his associate Manny at a kebab establishment, where the subject attempted to bond with a police officer over Runescape.

It was here that the pair located an unattended Lime rental bicycle. Citing a phone with no battery, Manny was invited to sit while the subject stood upon the pedals. "Who," the subject later asked the court of public opinion: "wears a helmet, right?"

The vehicle. bearing twice its intended payload, proceeded onto the open road at approximately 25 km/h, where it met the aforementioned car hole trap. Both men were launched. The bicycle was, in the subject's words, "completely mashed." Its battery was located on the opposite side of the road.

"And I mean we went UP and then we smashed into the floor and we both had identical damages."~ The Victim, reviewing the footage
The Moment

"WE LIVED.
WE LIVED!"

Upon confirming that his fingers worked, his arms worked, and he was not, in fact, dead, the subject took a photograph of himself smiling. because he was, quote, "genuinely happy." He should have died. He did not. This remains his greatest achievement.

★ Health & Lifestyle ★

The Soup Era

With his designated nail-biting tooth destroyed, the subject can no longer eat solid food. The prescription is permanent.

0Consecutive Days Eating Soup & Counting

Side effect: nails now "long as hell." Cannot bite them. The tooth was load-bearing.

"I can't eat anything, which means I'm eating a soup, bro."~ The Victim, on his new diet
★ The Damage Report ★

Injuries, Ranked

S
🦷 The Biting Tooth (load-bearing)👁️ Eyeball full of blood (temporary blindness)
A
✋ The Hand (you saw it on Instagram)🦵 Leg (would've been impaled)
B
🗣️ The Protective Lisp💉 TETAN-ANUS shot💅 Unbiteable long nails
F
📱 Phone (bent, but tanked it, still works. hero)🚲 The Lime Bike (did NOT survive)
★ The Evidence ★

Watch Him Tell It

14 minutes and 43 seconds of a man explaining, with a lisp, why riding two-to-a-bike into roadworks was "basically a smart idea."

KeshaEuw: I Almost Died ▶ ▶ PLAY · "I ALMOST DIED" · 14:43